fail

They promised us life in space, flying cars, and jetpacks but all we got were pocket-sized rectangles containing all human knowledge. FAIL.

Jason Kottke, “Life in Space” (2013)

quotations

He wrapped himself in quotations – as a beggar would enfold himself in the purple of Emperors.

Rudyard Kipling, “The Finest Story in the World” (1893)

people

We’re actors – we’re the opposite of people.

Tom Stoppard, Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are Dead (1966)

peel

The adjective is the banana peel of the parts of speech.

Clifton Fadiman, Reader’s Digest (1956)

blessed

Blessed is the man who, having nothing to say, abstains from giving wordy evidence of the fact.

George Eliot, Impressions of Theophrastus Such (1879)

sic

Generally, sic means the foregoing mistake (or apparent mistake) was made by the writer/speaker I am quoting; I am but the faithful messenger; in fact I never get anything wrong myself.

Lynne Truss, Eats, Shoots & Leaves: The Zero Tolerance Approach to Punctuation (2003)

so dull

Here is a book so dull that a whirling dervish could read himself to sleep with it. If you were to recite even a single page in the open air, birds would fall out of the sky and dogs drop dead.

Clive James, “Brezhnev: A State of Boredom” (1978)

sweet and steady and loyal and enduring

The holy passion of Friendship is of so sweet and steady and loyal and enduring a nature that it will last through a whole lifetime, if not asked to lend money.

Mark Twain, Pudd’nhead Wilson (1894)

practice

In the first place God made idiots. This was for practice. Then He made School Boards.

Mark Twain, Following the Equator (1899)

conspiracy

America is a vast conspiracy to make you happy.

John Updike, “How to Love America and Leave it at the Same Time,” in Problems and Other Stories (1979)

apostrophe

In the family of punctuation marks these days…the apostrophe is the abused victim.     

John Humphrys, interview with The Guardian (2008)

super dumb

Make no mistake about it, you are dumb. You’re a group of incredibly well-educated dumb people. I was there. We all were there. You’re barely functional. There are some screw-ups headed your way. I wish I could tell you that there was a trick to avoiding the screw-ups, but the screw-ups, they’re a-coming for ya. It’s a combination of life being unpredictable, and you being super dumb.

Aaron Sorkin, Syracuse Commencement Address (2012)

exquisite

…the exquisite art of idleness, one of the most important things that any University can teach.

Oscar Wilde, “Primavera,” Pall Mall Gazette (1890)

the full stop

…the full stop is surely the simplest mark to understand – so long as everyone continues to have some idea what a sentence is, which is a condition that can’t be guaranteed.

Lynne Truss, Eats, Shoots and Leaves (2003)